When I was really Afraid
Over the last 15 or 20 years when walking my "Path" I have had many times to be afraid.
The first time I cast my own Circle (back in 1980/81.and it was about 2 feet diameter.lol), the first exorcism I attended as a High Priest, the first Coven Cast when the safety of others depended on my abilities, the first "Conjured Shade" I saw...the list goes on
But this all pales to nothing when held up against the fear I have felt inside over the last 2 months
My Lady Cerridwen has been ill. Not just ill with "Man Flu", but very seriously ill.
I won't go into details here (because I do not have her permission to release her medical info), but I have been mortally scared to my core that my lovely lady may leave me and cross "The Bridge of Swords" without me.
For two months now I have seen my lady face her own fears with such courage, honour and strength that I can only marvel at the make-up of this truely awsome individual.
If it was me facing what she was facing I would be a quuivering wreck (and this from an Adept who faces Shades and Demons daily!!)
Her beauty, love, smile and courage was always there, even when it was me who was supposed to be "The Rock" in this relationship.
It got to the point when I was 100% prepared to "fall on my own sword" should my Lady fail to survive the operation (literally, because I do have several here!), I am not a coward, but I was afraid to live the rest of my life without the glow and warmth of this Ladys' presence.
I had earmarked funds to pay in advance for this website and domain for the next 50 years...after that folks, you were on your own!
Of course I did the "There there dear, you'll be fine" bit, but inside I was dying a little each day...and I think she knew it.
What she didn't know (until one night before she went into hospital as we had a quiet cuddle) is that I wouldnt let her face the Blue Goddess alone.I don't know if this gave her strength, or made her sad that "her man" would cross the divide early...but too bad...it's my life, and I want it to be shared with my Lady Cerri.She has thousands of faults, and I admit, I have one or two, but we are together, we are committed , we are solid...and in this life and the next ...we are together.
The operation went well, and my Lady will be coming home, but NEVER will I look on her with the complacency I once did. I am the first to admit I don't say "I Love You" enough...and I probably never will to her satisfaction.
I've told her once, that should be enough for her, I come home after work each day, she knows my PIN number and I love her so much I would never screw around. Dammit!!!...What more do I have to do to prove it!!I will probably never be tidy enough for her, I will still forget dates that are important to her, and I probably still won't put the toilet seat down...but I WILL stop expecting my Lady to always be here for me, and always be here to sooth away my pain as I struggle to combat everyday strifes and worries. i WILL appreciate each and every single day the Goddess allows me to share with my Cerri...(although I may forget to show it!)
So PLEASE people, if you are reading this, look at your partner and think what you would be like if he/she wasn't there to wipe away your tears , laugh at your jokes or help you head off the Repo Man...
Finding your "Soulmate" can take a lifetime, when you eventually do find him/her then forgive their faults, they aren't important.
JUST LET THEM KNOW THEY MATTER TO YOU
A bit mushy?..A bit weepy?..not the usual "Kai is a double hard bastard type page"?..tough, deal with it!!
The best bit is, this is a 700+ page website, she'll never spot this addition that I added at a moment of "true understanding" while she was in hospital and not here...and I won't tell her about it either.with any luck she will never know, but you will, cos you've just read it!
Kai
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