The Choice of Familiar
This issues' offering from the archives (also known as Kaizen's Cock-ups" concerns the correct choice of that all important "Witchy Feature".........the Familiar.
Now then, there are several things to consider when acquiring a Familiar, not least of which are your Location, Path, Coven Size, Income, and Allergies.
Most witches do it the wrong way round, they (or their parents) get a pet, then they discover the Craft, and the poor old pet gets press-ganged into the roll of the Familiar, whether it wants to or not. This is a throwback from childhood, when it was customary to acquire the shoes then grow feet to fit. That is why all kids walk like Krusty the Klown.
Advantages of this method
1) Maintenance of your Familiar falls to someone else.
2) You can blame someone else when your Familiar misbehaves (see more later)
3) You still have the option to get your own "proper" Familiar later.
Disadvantages.
1) Goldfish don't make good Familiars.
2) Coven members wont be happy naked around a Rottweiler.
3) There is no such thing as a Tantric Tarantula.
Pick your own Familar
The humble Cat.
First of all, there is no such thing as a humble cat. They are all
arrogant lil' bastards who refuse to do as they are told, unless
they really want to, or it was their idea in the first place.
A cat will saunter into a Circle (usually during the dance section...leading to people trying not to step on it), and give you a look that says "Circle?.It's more like an Oval".
A cat will eventually discover your ritual cakes, check them out, and decide they aren't even worth a nibble, but may be a good place to sleep. It will then curl up on the plate, and promptly crash out. This leads to all coven members discovering the joys of coughing up a furball, and makes the cat feel part of the team. It may, if it feels so inclined shred your paper plate into confetti, as only a cat can do.This is useful if you are conducting a Handfastening Ritual in this Circle.
A cat will notice things us mere humans can't, but only when it is embarrassing to the owner.......
Cats like string and dangly things!.Bear this in mind if you are particularly well endowed...you will be skyclad during Ritual, and Penal Scaring REALLY hurts...trust me on this!
If, however, you are not well endowed, a cat will give you a look that leaves you in no doubt that it isn't impressed.
Ladies aren't safe either, after a prolonged period of staring, a cat will give a woman a look that says either "Those are silicon" or "Next time, get a pair that match"
If you are silly enough to have tassles on your altar cloth be prepared to employ a newbie just to pick up the candlesticks throughout the Circle.
Cats have wet noses, this can be very alarming during meditation in a Circle.
Cats are inquisitive.....Think safety and shave off the whiskers BEFORE the cat sets them alight while inspecting your quarter candles. Remember, you cannot stamp out a whisker fire while skyclad (that is assuming you can catch the cat)
It is difficult to act the part of a High Priest/Priestess as the cat decides now is a good time to sharpen its claws on the back of your leg.
The Dog
A dog will rush into a Circle (usually during forming stage), and get excited, waiting for you to throw your wand, so it can "fetch".
This either scatters your newly lit candles, or blows them out with the draught from its tail. This is why you always walk the perimeter 3 times, it is to relight the candles...a point not actually mentioned in most witchy books.
During the dance section it will join in, trying to find the hidden frisbee...leading to people trying not to stab it with their athames by mistake.....(very embarrassing for the newbie if they happen to do this.) Terriers make poor Familiars, while they have had the ability to run happily in circles inplanted in their DNA from birth, they are not programmed to actually stop..leading to a very prolonged Spiral Dance, until some desperate coven member drop kicks it out of the nearest window in sheer desperation.
A dog will eat up your ritual cakes the second it locates them, including the paper plate. This leads to all coven members discovering the joys of KFC on the way home and makes them feel they aren't part of the team.
Dogs have wet noses, this can be very alarming during meditation in a Circle.
Dogs are inquisitive, and not fire retardant. They do however have the ability to fetch a fire hose , should you happen to need one.....
It is difficult to act the part of a High Priest/Priestess as the dog decides now is a good time to get intimate with any part of your leg.
The Hamster
These have the advantage of being cheap...useful, as 9 out of 10 newbies WILL step on it during their first Spiral Dance.
They will try to steal your ritual cakes, but don't worry, you will get them back next time you clean out its food store, and you can reuse them.
It is difficult to conduct a ritual when the newbie gets it wrong and screams "MOUSE!" Instantly every female member is trying to stand on your altar at the same time.
The Goldfish
Goldfish have a memory span of 3 seconds..this is a proven fact...so as the job of the Familiar is to spot Shades and Spooks for their owner the goldfish is pretty useless.....
"Hey! Priestess!..I've just seen a huge, nasty.........erm...Hello, do I know you?"
"Hey! Priestess!..I've just seen a huge, nasty.........erm...Hello, do I know you?"
"Hey! Priestess!..I've just seen a huge, nasty.........erm...Hello, do I know you?"
The Barn Owl
Useful type of Familiar......It can constantly check your Circle perimeter,all 360 degrees of it, without having to move off its perch.
It is however prone to swooping in on small woodland creatures, VERY VERY worrying for the male members during outdoor meditation.....
More to follow it following issues.......
